I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
