then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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