lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
