she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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