So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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