You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
