and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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