so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
