I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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