she smelled like a LAN party
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
