I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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