The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
