I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
