Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
