Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
