They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
