my soul wont recognize me after tonight
honey bunches of taint.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
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