oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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