I accidentally burped into my bong.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Fuck me I smell like cheese
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
