I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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