Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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