wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
