A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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