He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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