i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
