Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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