Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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