sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
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