Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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