Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
