This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
