Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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