Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
