When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
