i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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