I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
