I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
