five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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