that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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