I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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