Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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