End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
false alarm, still single
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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