I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
