I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
