Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
