I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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