What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
