Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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