We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
