I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
