I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
