Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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