note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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