my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
