i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
