I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
