You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
