dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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