So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
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New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
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I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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